Historic Ice Fatass
by CelcoLevi
Summary: It is the year 2115, Four boys by the name of Rick Docker, TJ Marsh, Carl Broflovski and Kyle McCormick are playing with an old sled, (at least in their time) and one of the boys discovers a 10 year old boy frozen in ice
1. Chapter 1 A shocking discovery

20th July 2115

It was a cold afternoon in the city of South Park; four boys were playing around in the woods with an "old" sled, one kid called TJ was normal, one kid called Carl was Jewish, one kid called Kyle was poor, and one kid called Rick Docker was an Anti-Semitic.

TJ: You're supposed to take these things down a hill

Rick: there's a hill right here

The boys head up the hill, Kyle makes it first, then Carl, then TJ, and then Rick finally comes up behind them struggling with the sled (Rick is normal weight, but has a double chin)

TJ: come on fatass I need to hop on this thing and take it down the hill

Rick: Shut the fuck up, TJ! There were a lot fatter people 50 years ago!

Carl: Docker, you're the one with the double chin, you wouldn't have had that if you didn't eat all those cheesy poofs last month!

Rick: It's not my fault I weigh 55 pounds, my mom had gestational diabetes!

Carl: Whatever gestational diabetes is, it shouldn't matter.

Rick: aye fuck you Carl!

Rick shoves Carl, causing him to trip up on a rock and tumble down the hill, he screams and disappears. The boys follow him down the hill and to a hole

TJ: Dude!

Carl calls up from the hole

Carl: HELP! (Wheezes)

TJ: Great job Docker! You killed Carl!

Kyle: muffled* (You asshole!)

Rick: Well he shouldn't have said that it was my fault I'm overweight!

Rick backs away from the hole and walks off

TJ: Well why the hell not? That's like saying it's a guy's fault he doesn't have job!

Rick: Exactly! Some people are born poor like Kyle, so they can't get a job; I'm not blaming him for being poor!

Carl: Guuuuuuys!

TJ: Hey he's still alive, Carl buddy are you okay?

Rick returns and looks down the hole

Carl: Yeah, I think so, is Docker still up there?

Rick: Yeah, I'm right here, dude!

Carl: Docker, you fucking hunk of fat, cunt-shocking hunk of shit-fucking asshole!

Rick's eyebrows turn almost vertical

Rick: Oh yeah?! Oh yeah?! Say that shit to my fucking face muff!

TJ: Can you climb back up?

Carl: uhh no, no I don't think so

TJ: God damn it! I guess we'll have to grab a light ladder and get him!

Rick angrily gets up and walks off

Rick: Fuck him!

TJ pulls out a rod and presses a button on it, causing a light ladder to project out of it

TJ: Phew, good thing I saved this!

TJ turns the ladder projector off and drops it down the hole, accidently hitting Carl in the process

Carl: Ow!

TJ: Oops, sorry dude!

Carl turns on the projector and sits down, TJ comes climbs down and looks at Carl's toe, it appears to be stubbed, Rick slips a bit lands flat on his ass

TJ: Bro! What the hell are you doing?

Rick: F you hippeh!

Carl: Come on dude, I just want to get the hell outta here!

TJ: All right, just stand up and climb that ladder. Wait. What's this?

TJ: walks up to an ice crystal nearby. Carl follows. TJ rubs some frost away and from the crystal and it reveals a frozen boy. Both of the kids scream in terror.

Carl: dude, it's a kid!

TJ proceeds to rub all of the frost off, revealing his entire obese body; Rick hops over to the ice crystal and smiles

Rick: HA! I told there were much fatter people then me! You owe me 10 bucks now!

Carl: holy god dude! He really is fatter!

TJ: yeah, way fatter!

Rick notices something in his hand

Rick: Wait! What's that in his hand?

Carl: It kind of looks like an IPhone

TJ: a what?

Carl: An IPhone! People used these things back in the 2010s!

Rick: So you're saying he's from 2010?

Carl: uhh, no! I mean, he could he could be from 2010, but he could be from a little later than that, 10 year old kids didn't use those devices until like 2013

TJ: hey! Remember when that kid found some old dude's house card and got a reward?

Carl: Yeah! Maybe we could get a reward for finding a frozen kid!

TJ: Yeah!


	2. Chapter 2 The exploit

On the road towards the town, rick pulls the frozen kid on the sled while the other three boys push it from behind, and then stop to catch their breaths

TJ: Dude, where are we gonna put it?

Carl: Dude, I don't know, we just have to get him into town and let the authorities figure out what to do with it

They start pushing again

TJ: I'm going to name him Eroc

Carl: No dude, we're going to call him Bruce

They stop again, Rick doesn't plan on stopping, but when he doesn't go anywhere as he pulls, he immediately turns around to see what's going on in the back

TJ: What? Bruce? What the hell kind of name is that for a caveman?

Rick: You guys, I thought he was from 2010 not fucking 3000 BC or something

Carl: Hey first of all he's from the 2010s, second of all it's _my _name, _and I _found him!

TJ: what?! Hey you didn't find him, I did!

Carl: what are you talking about?! I fell into the hole and there it was!

TJ: DUDE! You wouldn't have even seen him if I hadn't pointed it out!

Rick: Can you guys shut the hell up?!

The boys arrive at city hall, the town meeting is going on and the mayor is at the podium

Mayor: Okay people. The next order of business is a very serious matter. We need to vote on whether South park should ban the use of loft crafts or not. All those who agree must shout "hooray"

Most people: Hooray!

Mayor: All those who disagree shout "Nigh"

Other: Nigh

One agreeing person gets angry at the opposing people "Screw you" then he punches one of them

Man: Ow! Hey screw you!

He hits the man back, then everyone starts fighting. The boys show up with the ice boy

TJ: Um, hello?

Mayor: Not now kids, we're trying to have a vote on whether loft craft riders should be banned or not.

Carl: Yeah, But we found a frozen ice boy from the past

Everyone stops fighting

TJ: Yeah! I found him in the mountains today

Carl: No, _I_ found him in the mountains today

TJ: Shut the fuck up Carl!

Mayor: Wait, why are you here then?

TJ: We came for our reward

Rick: Yeah, like that kid who found someone's house card.

Mayor: Reward? What reward?

An old man walks into the crowd.

Old man: Ahh! I think the boys may be on to something here! You see, there are preserved links of the past that exist into the world, some are well known like treaties, pieces of technology, but there are also frozen links like this one that may have frozen themselves for a reason. If I can unfreeze the body and awaken it somehow I could learn much about this creature's people and its time

Mayor: Who are you?

Dr Petuski: My name is Dr Petuski

Mayor:…Sure sure, be my guest

Dr Petuski: Oh thank you mayor! Boys, I cannot reward you for finding this amazing thing, but if you'd like, I'll let you name him

TJ: Wow, really?

Carl: Awesome! I wanna call him Bruce

Dr Petuski: Very well then, Bruce it is!

TJ: What?! No! His name is Eroc!

Dr Petuski: Come on Bruce! We've got work to do!

Dr Petuski pushes him away. TJ is not happy about Carl's idea of the name, not to mention his low knowledge of the 2000s

Dr Petuski: Unfreezing will be very precise work, one wrong action could kill him!

Carl: We'll have to the advanced methods available!

Dr Petuski: Yes! That's right!


	3. Chapter 3 Frozen for over 100 years

Inside the South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch, Dr Petuski loads the now cubic ice chunk onto a conveyer belt, which brings the ice chunk into a room, a crab looking arm robot with 13 arms descends from the ceiling, the robot then spreads its arms and fire lasers out of them and onto the ice boy, quite an advanced method

Dr Petuski: This is very exciting, he could be a Neanderthal. Or an Australopithecus from the Palaeolithic era!

Thick ice covering the child fades away, revealing the boys clothes, the clothes involved: a red coat, brown trousers and black shoes, also a blue and yellow hat in his other hand.

Dr Petuski: wait a moment!

Dr Petuski runs up to the ice boy and picks up a plate light to inspect the boy

Dr Petuski: My god do you see that, boys? That is an IPhone. I haven't seen anybody that age using one those things since… 2014!

The boys express shock

Dr Petuski: Think of all we could learn from this time child! I'll Call the press and see what think of this!

Three minutes later, the lab door comes flying open and cameras flash all around, Dr Petuski wobbles his fists in excitement

Reporter: Dr Petuski, Could you _please _tell us what's going on?

Dr Petuski: well folks, there is still a crap ton of work to do, but it is my guess that this little boy has been frozen for over 100 years, and therefore, is a time child, not an ice boy.


	4. Chapter 4 The revival

News 4 Special Report

Reporter: Fascinating news tonight from South Park. An incredible discovery of a "time child" actually found _frozen in ice_. A team of scientists continue to try and unfreeze so that it can be autopsied, and studied. The caveman was discovered by Carl broflovski, who had this to say:

Carl is sitting in a chove (hover chair) and an angry TJ is in the background along with Kyle.

Carl: Well, I fell down a hole into this ice cavern, and I saw this block of ice, so I told my friend to-

TJ: FUCK YOU CARL!

Reporter: The time child is thought to be from the early neo-post-cretaceous period, where he was probably part of a hunting 2 person hunting tribe with his mother that lived down on P Street

Back at the Genetic Engineering Ranch, Dr Petuski was getting ready to perform to autopsy

Dr Petuski: Alright, I should be ready to perform the autopsy.

A moan is heard throughout the room

Dr Petuski: What's this?

The moaning is coming from the time child

Mayor: Jesus Christ! He's alive?

Dr Petuski: That's impossible! Douj! Do reflex test on him

Douj, Dr Petuski's assistant, hits the time child on the head with a large mallet

Time child: Ayye!

The time child lifts his left arm to his head to soothe the pain

Dr Petuski: Good grief! He really _is_ alive! The ice really did preserve him!

Rick: [amused] Teh, Shit.

The Mayor becomes alarmed

Mayor: Well, quick, do something!

Dr Petuski: Nono, no wait! We've got to think this through; Mayor, this young lad has been frozen for just over 100 years, he won't understand he sees! He'll be very confused and perhaps even frightened from what he sees!

Mayor: Well you can't just let him die!

Dr Petuski: I'm sorry Mayor, but perhaps death would be better for him than the shock, he will take trying to adapt to our time

Time child: Ngeeeh-Nggeeh

Dr Petuski: Oh my god! It looks as if he's about to speak!

Time child: [half opens eyes] ehehehehegheh…what's going on?

Dr Petuski: I told you he'd be confused!

Time child opens his eyes completely

Time child:…Where the fuck am I?

Dr Petuski: What? You, you don't know where you are?

Time child: [agitated] Yeah bitch, where the hell am I? Open your fucking ears dickhole!

The crowd gasps, the time child suddenly falls half-asleep again

Mayor: My god where did he learn that barbaric language?

Dr Petuski: Not from our time, I presume.

The time child suddenly sits up right and lets out a yawn, then gives an agitated look again

Time child: [softly] Oh you son of a bitch, Kyle!

Kyle McCormick gets the idea that the time child is talking about him.

Kyle: (Me?)

Rest of the boys: What?

Dr Petuski: Me friend. Friieend. Me friend. Pe-too-skee. Peh-too-skee.

Time child: Pe-tuski, Petuski!

Dr Petuski: [whispers to mayor] it's only normal, preserved children will often suffer mood swings depending on how long they've been frozen

The boys walk up to him

TJ: Uh, Hi.

Time child: who are you?

TJ: I'm…I'm TJ

The time child looks around

Time child: where am I?

Dr Petuski: [whispers] tell him he's home

TJ: You're… home

The time child looks at his hand to find his phone frozen onto his hand, he then proceeds to spread his hand to break it out

Time child: wait, no! I mean where am I? What building am I in?

Dr Petuski: You're in South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch

The time child looks around again.

Time child: this doesn't look like Genetic Engineering Ranch! And where's dr mephesto in that case?

Dr Petuski: Dr Mephesto? Wow he really does come from 2014.

Time child: excuse me?

Dr Petuski: Yes, you're in the year 2115

The time child panics

Time child: it's 2115?

TJ: You've been frozen for over 100 years dude!

Time child: one…hundred…years?

TJ: _Over_ 100 years

Time child: Over?

The time child hops off of the table and runs over to a window, which shows South Park in the year 2115, causing him to freak out

Time child: K-KYLE YOU FUCKING KIKE!

Dr Petuski: Jesus, I think that's enough for today

Dr Petuski pulls out a wireless sedation gun and points it at the time child and activates it, making him unconscious

Time child: Screw…you…guys!

He falls flat on his back

Carl: Dude… did he just call someone a kike?

TJ: He must be an anti-Semite like Docker

Rick becomes disappointed

Rick: Ooooooohhhh! So fucking lame!


	5. Chapter 5 More exploit

Later that day, three Asian people arrive at South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch, one of them presses a square doorbell, and Dr Petuski opens the door

Agent 1: hello, are you Moustrap Petuski?

Dr Petuski: Yes

Agent 1: We understand you are currently in the possession of the HIF from 2014?

Dr Petuski: HIF?

Agent 1: Yess, "Historic Ice Fatass"

Dr Petuski:…That's correct

Agent 1: We would like to offer our services in your experiments

Dr Petuski: Oh really? Where exactly are you gentlemen from?

All of the agents look at each other in agitation, due to their eyes indicating they were Asian, then they realise what Dr Petuski really meant

Agent 2: uhh yes, we come all the way from Morioka!

Dr Petuski: Right, come in!

Dr Petuski opens the door for the agents

Dr Petuski: he's still rather giddy from the frostbite that would have occurred when he first became frozen, but we've made much progress now that we've given him a room

Agent 1: Room?

Dr Petuski: yes, Douj and I designed a room for little Bruce to live in, first we modelled it on a computer and then we 3d-printed the whole thing. It is completely like his own. Everything is 2014 oriented

Dr Petuski turns on a light, revealing a room for the time child, a distorted "Happy" by Pharrel Williams blares from the stereo

Dr Petuski: The video file for Happy got kinda screwed after world war 3

Agent 2: That's no surprise!

Agent 1: Amazing! He looks so much like us!

The time child a.k.a Bruce is sitting on a black and white bed, with posters of Terrance & Philip and Mr T on the back wall

Dr Petuski: Yes, I took the device from his hand and studied it on the electrocity; I put him in the history of man over 5 years in the last 300 years

Dr Petuski presses a button and a hologram pops up showing history of 10 year olds dressing from 1800 to modern 2115 with a skip of 5 years between each person, the time child is put in the year 2015

Agent: Dr Petuski, we know that scientific study is quite expensive; we would like to help you make this project richer for you

Dr Petuski: You mean help me gain money from it?

Agent 2: Certainly!

Dr Petuski: well, how do you suggest we do that?

Agent 1: It's simple and won't hurt the Ice Fatass!

The time child hears this and reacts

Time child: Hey! Don't call me fat you fucking Asian

Dr Petuski: good god! I can see why he didn't like that though; he's quite large, larger than any current living human being I know.

Agent 1: I wonder what people might have thought of him then… anyway, here's the plan!

Later, Dr Petuski opened up his ranch to the public, allowing viewers to see him while on a moving sidewalk; one viewer takes a picture with his hat, the time child is listening to Katy Perry "Roar"

Dr Petuski: As you can see, the time child is listening to Katy Perry, who was a very popular musician during his time

TJ: He doesn't look very happy

The time child begins swaying to the song

Carl: I don't know, he looks pretty happy to me

TJ: That's because started dancing after I said that

Rick: Sweet, now I'm not the fattest kid south park anymore!

The time child picks up a remote and attempts to turn on a flat screen

Dr Petuski: Ah! Here we see the time child trying to watch television on a "flat screen" a rather heavy and non-floating version of the float screen, unfortunately, only people with money could afford these, plus there may have been a ton of channel changes now.

The time child switches to the news; there is a report of an ice boy being found frozen. He realizes they are talking about him, causing him to freak out; he turns off the TV and hurls the remote at it, he then sinks down off his bed and onto the floor, then he stands up and walks up to glass, he knocks on it, alarming the viewers.

Dr Petuski: it's okay people, he can't hurt you. It's one-way glass: he can't even see us!

The time child starts using the computer

Dr Petuski: wait! This could be bad!

Agent 1: How?

Dr Petuski: Electrocity didn't exist in his time; he's probably going to look for the internet

Agent 3: Inter-what?

Dr Petuski: The Internet; people used it all the time back in his time, he could freak out if he found out internet didn't exist anymore!

The time child checks out the electrocity

Time child: dafuq is this?

Agent 1: Nothing's happening

Dr Petuski: Wait! He could find out something on the electrocity that could frighten him!

The time child checks on google news and sighs in relief that something from his time still exists, he then reads an article saying "JEWS CONTROL USA" upon reading this, he goes into a fit of rage

Time child: NEHOOOOO!

The time child hops off his chair and begins wobbling it, and then he throws it across the room, the crow recoils. He senses the crowd and runs into the glass trying to break it open. Dr Petuski becomes alerted and turns calm mode on, which fires a gas into the room

Time child: aww weak!

The time child wheezes and falls over again. this time, he stays awake

Dr Petuski: Phew, that took care of him

TJ: Hey you guys aren't being very nice to him

Dr Petuski: he's fine boys, and he's part of what the world was like before world war III

TJ: Let him out dude! He's scared

Agent 1: he would be even more scared on the outside; you think this shit freaks him out? Wait till he sees a modern car, he'll hit the roof!

Carl: But it's not right!

Agent 2: ooh, but you do not realise that what's right isn't as important as what's profitable

TJ walks up to the glass and looks at the time child in empathy, more people come up to see him

Time child: well this fucking sucks


	6. Chapter 6 Screw you guys

Later that night, TJ was eating with his family:

His sister: LE marsh

His mother: Kase marsh

His father: Billy marsh

His great uncle: Anthony

His grandmother: Bella marsh

His grandfather: Buddy marsh

TJ: Dad?

Billy: yes TJ?

TJ: Have you ever dealt with time children before?

Billy: well no, I've seen the movies but I don't think I've ever seen any

TJ: well yeah, but didn't you hear about the time child that _I _found?

Billy: _you _found it?

TJ: Yeah! _I _found it! My friend accidently knocked him down a hole and _I _gave that asshole a light ladder to use, then _I _found the time child. Really, I saw a pillar of ice and wiped it away to see his face and the shape of his body.

Billy: Right

Anthony:… when I was young my father told me he found an ice man that was frozen in 2010 and he was unfrozen in 2012

TJ: did his friend take all the credit?

Buddy: Yeeeeup! The ice man was even exploited, and you know what he did?

TJ: what?

Buddy: the old man snuck into South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch one night and broke him out

TJ: wow, really?

Buddy: Yep!

TJ: how old was he?

Buddy: uuhh… 9… I think he may have been 7 or 8 or something

TJ then realizes what to do… later that night, he got up and ate a pack of cheesy poofs, and then he opened a modern filing cabinet and pulled out a document, flew across the pages, and found it. The "Master key" (a red key card with faint white lining and a big black line).

TJ took his Hack key and put on some aluminium tinfoil to avoid being spotted by drones. He then went outside and ran to South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch; he put his master key on the receptor and a circular door spins open like a whirlpool, expanding the entering hole and allowing TJ to get in. he walks in to the lab and searches

TJ: Eroc!

TJ rushes to the habitat, and then uses his master key to unlock the access door

TJ: Eroc! Eroc! Are you there?

Time child: oh hey, what the hell are you doing here? Viewing hours are 10 to 6 dude!

TJ: I honestly don't think it's nice for people to just exploit you like that! I'm busting you outta here!

Time child: Holy shit! Somebody who actually knows what's going on

?: What are you doing?

TJ looks to his right, and Carl appears

TJ: what are you doing?

Carl: I'm busting Bruce out of here!

TJ: what?! No! You can't do that! I'm busting Eroc out of here!

Carl: his name is Bruce!

TJ: his name is Eroc!

Carl: Bruce!

TJ: Why Bruce?

Carl: Cause he looks like Bruce Vilanch!

TJ looks at the time child

TJ: Does not!

Carl: Does too!

Time child: QUIET!

A stunning silence fills the room

Carl:… great job dickhead! You pissed him off!

TJ: Me? _You _pissed him off!

Time child: you're both pissing me off, and my name isn't Eroc or Bruce! It's Eric!

TJ and Carl calm down

Eric: Look, can you just open the door for me so I can get the hell outta here?

Carl opens the door for him, smoke comes flying out

Eric: *cough* cough* cough* sweet… thanks!

TJ: I was gonna open the door for him!

Carl: You unlocked the door, so I opened it for him

Eric: look! You both busted me out alright?! I don't want any shit from either of you! Not like last time this happened but with somebody else!

Eric puts his hat on

Eric: anyway, how were you gonna open the door if TJ didn't come in?

TJ: Yeah Carl!

Carl tries to come up with an explanation, but gets outsmarted, Eric takes off his coat and gets out an ICoat, he then proceeds to put it on and it suddenly fits to his torso, scaring him.

Carl: hey what are you doing?

Eric: I'm putting on a disguise because screw you guys, I'm going home!

TJ: What? Dude! You probably don't know where your house is, it might even be knocked down!

Eric: I know exactly where my house is! Whether it's there or not! Screw you guys, Home!

Eric walks off and goes outside


	7. Chapter 7 FAGS!

The next day, young Eric walks to South park City, a car comes flying over him

Eric: Aaaaaagh! Was that a flying car?

Eric sprints towards South Park and walks into an alley, it gets incredibly dark.

Eric: oh god, I don't remember all these giant ass buildings being here

As Eric walks into daylight, he begins to squint from the brightness of the sun, when he walked out of the alley; he saw all kinds of things, like flying car traffic, a robotic arm squirting a fluid which solidifies immediately, forming a house, and futuristic prostitutes.

Eric: Dude!

Eric automatically points his fingers to his right. As he walks however, he gets knocked over by the surprise from loft-craft riders, people riding in rather noisy pod looking bikes. One kid walks out of the store and notices the loft-craft riders

Kid: FAAGS!

Eric realised what these people were; Harley riders of 2115. Eric runs off and follows his fingers.

Meanwhile at South Park Engineering Ranch…

Dr Petuski: He's gone! The time child is gone!

Agent 1: No! That's impossibre! How?

Dr Petuski: He must have used this door

Dr Petuski stands besides a circular door leading to the outside world

Agent 1: Fuck!

Dr Petuski: We have to find him! He won't survive long in the outside world!

Agent 1: If we don't find him, we won't be able to perform

The second agent elbows him

Dr Petuski: What?

Agent 1: Nothing!

Dr Petuski: No, what did you say? Won't be able to perform what?

Agent 2: Nothing

Agent 1: uh, just a play for my nephew

Dr Petuski:…Okay


	8. Chapter 8 Relieving the past

Eric walked across the street for minutes until he discovered something very familiar… His house! Only it was an extremely worn down and a plank was hanging of the roof. It was also a dark brownish green

Eric: My god! It's bringing back so many memories

Eric walks across the paving to his front door. He picks out a frozen key, breathes on it and then unlocks the door and attempts to open it. Unfortunately, the knob breaks off in his hand

Eric: Shit!

Eric pushes the door open, causing it to make a very loud creak sound

Eric: My god that is the creakiest fucking door

Eric shuts the door and walks through his house, his sofa is torn, a picture of him and his mother above the sofa hangs by its right corner, and Eric enters the kitchen and tries to open the fridge, but the fridge is stuck shut

Eric: ah, fuck it!

Eric then goes upstairs and enters his room, which is filled with junk, a half-eaten bed sheet, a smacky s'mores radio covered in cobwebs, and a window with a hole in it

Eric: well, this place is full of shit


	9. Chapter 9 The bad history of Stan Marsh

Meanwhile at rick's house, Rick gets ready to visit Eric,

Rick: Mom, can I go to that old house at P Street?

Eliza Docker: gee I don't know rick, that sounds awfully strange

Rick: there's a really nice guy who lives there now, and I want to go meet him

Eliza Docker gives a concerned look on her face

Eliza Docker: did he… give you any candy by any chance?

Rick gets confused

Rick: What? No!

Eliza Docker: good, you can go visit him if you like

Rick: Thanks mom!

Rick walks down the road to P Street, on his way he encounters loft-craft riders; calling them fags on his way to Eric's house

Eric tries to use his computer, but it fails him. He hears a knock on the door, so he walks down and opens the door

Rick: oh hey time child!

Eric: It's Eric

Rick: Eric!

Eric:…what do you want?

Rick: Eric, are you an anti-Semitic?

Eric: What, like I hate Jews?

Rick: Yeah! I heard you call someone a "kike" when you were revived!

Eric: Fuck'em!

Rick: Can I come in?

Eric: sure!

Eric makes way for Rick, then closes the door behind him

Rick: Wow, is this your house?

Eric: It "was" my house

Rick notices a picture of Eric and an older woman beside him standing in front of mt. Rushmore

Rick: who's that in the picture? Is that your mom?

Eric: Yeah

Rick: do you have any pictures of you back the 2000s?

Eric: Uh, Yeah

Eric pulls out his IPhone and turns it on, sits down on at the breakfast table, then shows a picture of him sitting down on a sofa.

Rick: Kewl!

Eric hears a rick's familiar way of saying cool and stares at him, then flicks to a picture of him holding a small pig

Eric: This is fluffy!

Rick: dude, is that a pot-bellied pig?

Eric: yeah, I kinda gave him away

Eric flicks to a picture of him dressed as Hitler

Rick: dude, is that you dressed as Hitler?

Eric: well der!

Eric shows a picture of him running away from 300 foot robot

Rick: Hey! That looks like mecha Streisand! Were you in the same town and time as that thing?

Eric: uh yeah! Trust me dude, you would have no chance back then!

Eric shows a picture of him wearing huge glasses

Eric: this one is when my optometrist Dr Asshole gave me those glasses, even though they were perfectly fine

Rick: Dr Asshole?

Eric: that's his name! Honest!

Eric then flicks to a picture of him dressed up as General Lee

Eric: here is a picture of me winning a bet with my friends that the south won the American civil war, with me… uh

Rick: Why were you dressed up as General Lee?

Eric:… I don't know, I was drunk

Rick: wait, were you able to drink alcohol as a kid back in those days?

Eric: …_Nooo_, I just drank smore schnapps when I wasn't supposed to and got drunk, not that I told anybody

Eric flicks to a picture of him in jail

Eric: this is a picture of me in jail after I got accused of hate crimes against black people

Rick: wait, you actually committed a crime and got arrested for it?

Eric: I warned him that if he called me fat, I would throw a rock at him!

Eric flicks to a picture of him standing in front of fourth grade class

Eric: this is me when I moved into fourth grade

Eric flicks to a picture of him licking an older boy's tears

Rick: …what happened there?

Eric: That kid made me buy his pubes for 16 bucks and I had to get back at him. So you know what I did?

Rick: [excited] what?

Eric: called his parents, got them shot by a farmer, ground them up into chili, and made the kid eat his parents!

Rick's mouth drops

Rick: holy shit dude!

Eric: I know!

Eric flicks to a picture of him doing something rather inappropriate to another kid's fireman

Eric: AAAAAH!

Rick: Dude! Are you?

Eric hurriedly flicks to the next picture, showing him in a body leash, pulled by a Mexican looking man with his mother by him

Eric: Look-look-look-look-look! Let's just forget about that last picture, alright! Now, here is a picture of me, being treated… like a dog

Rick: …right

Picture of Eric and his friends on computers, they are all obese

Eric: this is me trying to save the world of Warcraft, with my friends

Rick: Dude, what happened to you? You look like you just crapped on the inside!

Eric: It took us a very long time to do that, without leaving the starting zone in order to not get killed by a level 90 guy

Eric then shows a picture of him at his friend's 10th birthday

Rick: hey, that kid looks like TJ's great-grandpa!

Eric: who? Stan?

Rick: yeah! That kid who's having his birthday!

Eric: …what do you know about him?

Rick: the 2014 south park cows football team lost their biggest ever football event in the world because Stanley Marsh didn't show up in time!

Eric: …We lost the biggest ever football event in the world?

Rick: yeah, he claimed he got lost in a forest

Eric: why, what happened?

Rick: He had the option to either accept 45-year sentence to jail or simply get the fuck out of America, coming from his 4th grade teacher, Herbert Garrison.

Eric: oh shit dude! I better make he sure appears when I come back!

Rick: There was this one kid who tried to delay the play by singing "I'm sailing away"

Eric: …That's my favourite song!

Rick: really?

Eric: yeah, I have this condition where if I hear the first part of that song, I have to finish it

Rick: …

Eric: Rick, I swear!

Rick: Ok ok!

Eric gets down from the table

Eric: so… anywhere where I convert cash into money?

Rick: uh, yeah, the south park bank still exists if it ever did in your time. You might even like to invest money there too!

Eric: Oh hell no! I don't trust banks with investing money!

Rick: …Oh well, it's getting late. See you tomorrow I guess

Eric: Ok bye!

Rick walks out of Eric's house

Eric shuts the door and grabs a sign saying "RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!" and goes outside to plant it on the lawn, then goes back to bed and locks the door. As he gets into bed, he hears more loft-craft riders passing by his house; he gets up and opens the window

Eric: FAAAAAAGS!

Eric shuts the window and goes to sleep, then gets woken up by a leakage of water

Eric: [softly] shit


	10. Chapter 10 major freak out

The next day, Eric walks to where the bus stop used to be, a guitar plays in his head. The boys walk up to him

Eric: hey dudes

Carl: hey Eric, what are you doing standing here?

Eric: I'm just admiring the spot where the old bus stop used to be, {flicks the ground} see that? That's some old dog shit right there

Carl: Ooookaay, well we're just waiting on the bus

TJ: Hey Eric, rick told me you around when my great grandpa was around

Eric: I'm 3 and a half generations behind you guys, what do you want to know?

TJ: well, how did it feel to be at the big football event?

Eric: [long pause] Dude, I don't know, that's 2 months ahead of my time

Rick: Oh, and he has this condition where if he hears the first part of "I'm sailing away", he has to finish it

Carl: [looks at Eric] Really?

Eric: …yyeah, I can't do anything until I'm done.

The bus pulls up; the boys go into the bus and sit down at the back

Eric: you know, I'd be very surprised if someone knew that song right now, [notices belts on seat] dafuq are these?

TJ: they're belts; didn't you have these in your time?

Eric: No, not on a bus

Carl starts singing

Carl: _I'm sailing away…set an open course for the virgin sea_

Eric: Oh fuck you!

Eric finishes the song in only 18 seconds, then gasps for air and faints

Kyle: (Jesus)

The bus stops at the new school, the boys hop out of the bus

Eric: dude!

The school is huge

The boys walk into the school, Eric expresses fear

Carl: Dude, are you okay?

Eric: this school is way different then I remember!

Eric notices the futuristic ginger hallway monitors, they glare at him

Eric: aah!

Rick: dude, you ok?

Eric: no!

They enter the 4th grade classroom, which shows connected desks, holograms, a white board and a painting of Alphonse Mephisto is in the room

Eric: dude is that… dr Mephisto?

TJ: yeah, you know him?

Eric: yeah dude, he's a genetic engineer

The teacher walks in

Teacher: ok children, let's take our seats. Now, I believe we have a new student

Carl: …how do you know?

Teacher: [points] because there's a really really fat kid sitting behind you

Eric: aye!

Teacher: now, what was your name?

Eric: Eric

Teacher: Eric, ok; my name is [starts writing on board] Mr Black {the teacher is white}

Eric raises his hand

Mr Black: Yes Eric?

Eric: why is your name Mr Black?

Mr Black: because my grandfather was a black, he was a rich kid

Eric: was his name Token Black?

Mr Black: uh, yes Eric. How do you know?

Eric: cause I know a lot about the 2010s

Mr Black gives a confused face

Mr Black: how?

Eric becomes concerned

Eric: what do you mean… how?

Mr Black: how do you know so much about the 2010s?

Eric, not knowing why he was questioning him, quickly jumped out of the conversation

Eric: I just do, alright! …. Aaaagh! I can't take it anymore!

Eric runs out of the room and out of the school, then runs on the road and gets hit by police car

A policeman steps out of the car

Policeman: kid, just what the hell do you think you're doing?

Eric: aaaaghh! Aaaaaagh!

The other four boys are watching as the policeman watches him scream in the background

Carl: Jesus Christ!

The confused policeman takes out an electric baton, and hits him on the head with it; Subduing him

TJ: dude, we better explain what happened in his time before he dies of shock


	11. Chapter 11 There was a world war III?

Later that day, little Eric walked into his house with his hands in his pockets. He went inside and went into his room, and sat down. Suddenly, some 6th graders pulled up at his house and began egging his house

6th grader: hey Cartman!

Eric: what the- how?

Eric pulled up his window and saw what they were doing; he then took off his hat

Eric: STAY AWAY FROM MY HOUSE!

The 6th graders recoil

6th grader 2: holy shit! Is that a guy up there?

6th grader 3: nah! Fuck this dude, I'm leaving

6th grader 2: yeah me too!

6th grader: wait! Where the hell are you guys going?!

The main 6th grader looks at Eric

Eric: Dafuq you looking at?

The 6th grader screams, then leaves with them

Eric: yeah! That's what I thought! [To himself] dickhats

Eric walks up to his fridge and finally breaks it open, a very very cold breeze hits Eric in the face

Eric: AAAAAAHH! FUUUUUUCK!

Eric gasps for air, and then notices a single old red bull can in the fridge; but he suspects something

Eric: I… probably shouldn't drink that

Eric takes a plier and grabs the red bull, then puts it outside and puts a sign over it saying "FREE RED BULL"

The boys come up to his house and see the red bull, Kyle decides to "why the hell not" but Rick stops him

Rick: dude!

Kyle: (what?)

Rick: look at the model… look at the fucking model of that can!

TJ: I don't understand, what's wrong?

Rick: that can is about 100 years old! There's probably some nasty shit going on in there!

Carl: Come on you guys! Let's just break it to him!

Carl knocks on his door. Eric opens the door

Eric: oh hey guys

Carl: Eric, we need to talk to you about something

Eric: …what?

TJ: it's an explanation for why everyone knows so little about 2014

Eric: oh really? Why?

The boys enter Eric's house and sit down at the table

Rick: you see, we noticed how you freaked out at school today

Eric: yeah?

Carl: look, you see… there was a time when most of the data everyone had had been destroyed

Eric looks shocked

Eric: what?

Carl: you see, there was a virus called ACFH, which was hidden in an alien probe

Eric: oooooh, I see where this is going

TJ: well yeah, the virus sent aliens to attack the earth and practically killed a lot of people

Eric: and I suppose the probe was hidden in someone's asshole?

The boys look confused

TJ: what? No! The probe was hidden in someone's stomach, the virus put accidentally put an unvivid memory into his brain of him being operated on at the time, convincing him it was a dream and completely denying it was real

Eric: Really? And I was responsible for it?

The boys: No

Eric: oh… then who had the probe?

TJ was about to reply when three Asian agents suddenly broke in to the house

Agent 3: there he his! There is the time child!

Agent 1: get him!

The agents pull out guns

Eric: Oh shit!

The boys jumped out of the peets, Carl grabs Eric's arm and runs with him upstairs, and the other boys follow him into Eric's room. Eric grabs a key and locks it, then pulls a shelf over in front of the door.

TJ: quick! What do we do?!

Carl: there's a train to Las Vegas!

Eric: a train ride? Las Vegas? Dude the technology here in this mountain city is sweet, but Las Vegas?

The door doesn't hold up very long, in just 3 blows, the door is knocked down. Carl opens the window and all five boys jump out; Eric hurts his leg slightly, but is okay

Eric: ow! Fuck!

The boys run down the road, the agents run outside and chase them

Agent 1: no! Do not let that time child escape!

The boys see a Ute to jump into

Eric: [gasps] is that a Ute?

Carl: yeah! Quick! Jump on!

First Carl jumps on, then Kyle, then TJ, then Rick, and then finally Eric jumped on.

Agent 1: No!

The boys: Yeah! Awesome!

Eric puts his hand on his cheek

Eric: weak


	12. Chapter 12 The chase to backwards

The Ute passes at the train station, the boys leap out of the car

Driver: hey! Just what the hell were you doing in my car?

Eric: no time to explain, run!

Driver: run?

Carl leads the boys, he runs through the big crowd at the train station; the agents are in the crowd as well.

Carl: look! There they are! The train to Las Vegas!

The boys run into the train just before it closes down to leave to Las Vegas

The boys quickly buckle up

TJ: now, Eric, do you know how pressure trains work?

Eric: pressure trains?

The train starts up

Eric: No!

The train lifts up off the tracks

Eric feels the lift and expresses shock

Eric: wooah!

TJ: Pressure trains work by inflating the entire tunnel with air

A circular container of metal rolls behind the train

TJ: Then a giant fan is going to appear behind the train and send it flying

Eric: holy fuck

The container's iris like door opens up, revealing an entire giant fan at full speed, blasting the train along the tunnel

Eric feels the blast

Eric: aaaah! Wait! [Unbuckles his seatbelt and looks outside the window] wow! Kewl!

Agent 1: nooo! We missed it!

Agent 2: what do we do now?

Agent 1: Oh I'm not giving up! I'm just getting started!

The agent pulls out a 3.5 gigawatt sapper

Agent 1: I have a vehicre!

The boys are waiting for the train to finish it's supposedly 2.15 minute long ride, little Eric, however; is enjoying watching the sun move across the sky, he then realises that he misses something… emotionally

He sits down and music begins to play in his head

_Wellllll, here I am… I'm in a time where transport is almost instant, and a time where things are a lot less painful to deal wiiiiiiith! It makes me miss the time of my own [pulls out a school picture of him and his classmates on his phone] people think it's fine for me to just sit around in a room… but back in my day, there was a time when… the music was made with real instruments, and the condoms were translucent, and the medicine was fucking disgusting! [Sings aloud, people stare] where, is that time of mine? I just wanna go back to that time, back to that time, back to that time… su-r-e, you can make me a happy world, but when you take me back it'll be alright!_

TJ: Uh, Eric!

Eric: [breaks out of song] wha? Oh, what?

Carl: come on dude! We're almost out of this

Eric: wait, why are we going to Las Vegas?

TJ: you want to go home, don't you?

Eric: oh…

The boys walk out of the train, and walk out into the massive city; the sign for Las Vegas is floating in mid air

Eric: Holy Shit! Is that a floating sign?

TJ: yeah, there's a lab somewhere where they work on time travel

Eric: okay! Time traveling has worked in my time; it can't possibly not work today!

Suddenly, the whole station loses its power, the boys turn around

Eric: [long pause] … oh crap!

The boys run down to the busy road, rick spots a small remote

Rick: dude!

Carl: what? What is it fatass?

Rick: it's a- hey don't call me fat! It's one of those cool things where if you turn them on, they form a force field around you!

Carl: really?

Agent 1: Hah! I got you now time child!

Rick: quick! Eric take this!

Eric takes the remote and turns it on, the agent shoots his sedation gun and a force field forms right around him just before the electric capsule hits him

Eric: …haha! Take that ya asshole Asians! Nananananananahahahahaha-

A beep comes from the remote, indicating a low battery

Eric: oh shit!

The agent shoots at ricks hand, stunning him

Rick: aaaaahh! Fuck me that hurt! Ah fuck!

The agent shoots at the rest of them, knocking them down

Eric: Jesus Christ

TJ: Eric!

Eric: what?

TJ: don't forget about the big football event! It could change _your_ life!

Eric: I got it dude! I got it!

The remote beeps faster; Eric runs from the agents and follows Carl's GPS to the time labs

Agent 1: Come back here! Time Chirude!

They pull out their "vehiclres" and hop on them, and then they activate the penetrating orb shield around the vehicles

Eric runs as fast as his fat legs could take him, he then makes a quick turn into the traffic, the agents follow him, but get hit by the cars, Eric sees a "strap on mode" and turns it on, getting suspended in the middle of the bubble

Eric: strap on mode? [Turns it on] ahh!

Eric suddenly gets hit by a car and flies through the air, screaming. He braces for impact to the ground, but bounces off the ground like a hard ball instead because of the force field. He rolls down the road to V-Lab, where he was supposed to go

Eric: Jesus Christ!

The agents catch up to him, and begin hitting his force field with the sappers; Eric's force field is super resistant

Agent 1: You're not going anywhere!

Eric: why can't you just leave me alone!

The force field flashes red

Agent 2: Come back here time child!

Eric: NEHOOOOO!

Eric shifts a sharp left, and makes into V-Labs just as the force field runs out

Agent 1: Noooo! You stupid idiot!

Agent 2: what?

The force field runs off just as Eric enters V-Labs, and lands on his belly

Eric: Ah, Shit!

Eric gets up and locks the lab doors, then goes up to one of the time machines. He gets spotted by one of the employees

Employee: Hey kid, you should really not be doing that!

Eric flips him off and sets the date: 24/September/2014|

Eric takes a mobile and puts the coordinates for his friend Stan, then lunges into the time vessel and yells a goodbye to the 2115 year and says hello to 2014


	13. Chapter 13 The End?

24th September 2014

It is the big event, the players are there, the cheerleaders have finished, all wondering where Stan marsh is.

Meanwhile in the lost forest, Stan marsh is wondering all over the place, suddenly, out of nowhere, Eric jumps at out the air and ends up lunging at Stan, with his mouth over Stan's fireman

Stan: Get off me fatass!

Eric: Stan! There you are dude! The guys are probably worried shit about you!

Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you doing out here?

Eric: Look, I don't know what's happening but you need to be at the big football event right now!

Stan: I don't know where I am!

Eric: I do!

Eric pulls out a GPS and leads him to the stadium. Meanwhile, the boys are at the stadium with Eric's future-past self at the ball.

Kyle: dude, where the hell is Stan?

Blonde kid with a small amount of hair: hey, if Stan doesn't turn up, can I have his helmet?

Coach: I'm sorry butters

Butters feels dejected

Butters: well why the hell not?

Eric: I'll delay it! Token, come with me!

Eric gives token a script

Token: what's this?

Eric: It's called a twist, I'll "sing come sail away" and then halfway through you interrupt!

Token: Okay…

The 2 of them take their helmets off and run to the coach to ask him if he can sing a song to represent the cows a little bit

Eric: Mr Mackey, Can I sing "come sail with me" by Styx?

Mr Mackey: Mkay, I guess it wouldn't hurt

Eric: No, It'll help us!

The other Eric and Stan make it out of the forest

Stan: Dude!

Eric: Come on!

Eric tugs at Stan's arm and runs towards the stadium

The future Eric and token set up the song, everyone is at the stadium: (breaking the 2nd wall here) the mayor, officer Barbrady, Dr Mephisto, Gregory stallions, Chef's parents, the parents of the football players, Jimbo Kern, who inadvertently persuaded a bunch of rednecks to bet on his nephew's team; the cows, which would result in him being "hung out to dry" if they lost their money

Eric began singing

Eric: _I'm sailing away..._

Eric and Stan were running on, accidentally knocking down people's bags

Stan: Sorry

Eric: Comin' through

Eric: _Set an open course, for the virgin sea…_

Eric: look there it is, right there!

Eric: _I've got to be free, free to face the life that's ahead of me… On board, I'm a captain, so climb aboard… we'll search for tomorrow on every shore_

(Cut to the last part of song, this is to be done soon)

Eric: _Come sail away, come sail away…_

Stan puts on his Uniform, then enters the stadium

Eric: _Come sail away with me, you guys seriously! COME SAIL AWAY! COME SAIL AWAY! COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME!_

The crowd cheers for him, Stan enters the stadium

Wendy: Stan!

Kenny: Stan?

Butters: Oh my god! Stan's here!

Kyle: Cartman, you ingenious bastard!

Eric: Bastard? I think you'll say unabashed!

The game starts, the cows get the ball first, and Kenny takes the ball and throws it to butters, unfortunately without a helmet, after butters passes it to Stan, he gets brutally tackled and suffers a horrible crack in the head.

The cows win and the crowd goes wild, the current Eric cheers as he watches his future-self lunge at a cowboy.

Eric suddenly travels to his second destination: home

Eric looks at his young house and admires it. He then walks inside and pulls out a wooden sign saying: TO BE CONTINUED

(Credits roll)


	14. Credits - Cast and trivia

Cast and Trivia

Time child as Eric Cartman

TJ as Stan Marsh's descendant

Carl as Kyle Brovflovski's descendant

Kyle McCormick as Kenny McCormick's descendant

Rick Docker as Eric Cartman's nephew descendant

Dr Petuski as Dogpoo Petuski's descendant, and is slightly orange skinned with no hair

Douj is a hunchback who looks like Dr Petuski, but overweight

The 3 agents are crazy people who want Cartman's blood as a weapon, the main one is a descendant of the city sushi shop owner

Loft craft riders are the Harley rider fags of the 22nd century

Eric's mom as Liane Cartman

Dr Lott is Dr Asshole's real name

Nothing was ever said about Cartman being drunk, I just put it there as an explanation on why he would be this stupid

The bit with Cartman licking an older boys tears, if you do not know who that boy is, you have not watched enough

The word fireman is me referring to penis

The Mexican could have become Cartman's step father, but no. he has a new one in the near future

The kid who had the probe was **********

If you end up in the future, there will always be something to make you freak out like a caveman

The 6th graders are descendants of the main three in the present 6th graders

There's a rumour of bull semen in red bull

The virus that makes people think that the event of them being operated on was just a dream, also affected the first person in South Park to be probed: Eric Cartman

3.5 gigawatts is probably enough to take out an entire building

When Cartman mentions that time traveling has worked in his time, he is referring to the events of "Fourth Grade"

Cartman put on futuristic clothing so nobody knew it was him (oddly enough)

I drink coffee to help keep the stories in character and not so "skippy"


End file.
